


tie a noose around your mind, loose enough to breath fine

by TheLovelyOrchid



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Evan Hansen, But I do love her, Coming Out, Gay Alana Beck (hinted), Gay Character, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Gay Jared Kleinman (hinted), Gen, M/M, Thought Spirals, i don’t think i even say her name, like extremely, multiple actually, sorry except im not, the author is projecting, theyre pretty tame though so don’t worry too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 02:29:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19736521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLovelyOrchid/pseuds/TheLovelyOrchid
Summary: Evan Hansen, resident bisexual disaster, is, surprisingly, anxiously uncertain about his bisexuality. Connor is having absolutely none of it.





	tie a noose around your mind, loose enough to breath fine

**Author's Note:**

> As a pansexual idiot who is in a constant state of gay uncertainty bordering on fear, I decided to write down some of my thoughts through Evan, who is similar to me in that we both cannot function in normal society due to crippling anxiety. While Evan isn’t pan in this, I feel like pansexuals and bisexuals deal with a lot of the same struggles in regards to being invalidated, so, um, solidarity?
> 
> This was pretty helpful for me to write, so hopefully it helps anyone who might be having similar thoughts about invalidity. You’re valid, and I’ll fight you on it.

For Evan it had always just been this… thing. Something that he kept in the back of his head that no one ever really needed to know about, because it wasn’t like anyone was ever really interested in his love life or that he would ever even have one, so why did it matter who he liked?

It’s not that he thought there was anything wrong about it, after all, he had a friend who was gay, his best friend was gay, and said best friend was dating his family friend, who was also gay, and he loved them all dearly. He supported them, and he was glad they felt comfortable enough to be themselves, but that just didn’t… apply to him.

Who was even to say he wasn’t really straight, anyway? Evan thought it was probably really easy to get confused about your sexuality when you were young and everything seemed to be confusing, and statistically speaking him being queer on top of three of his friends being queer was pretty much impossible, wasn’t it?

And bisexual was just such a weird… icky label that felt almost fluid to him. Like no one really ever was it, just that they were scared to be entirely gay or just experimenting. But to say that that was true for every person who identified as bisexual felt… cruel. Evan was sure there were plenty of real bi people. Just that he probably wasn’t one of them… maybe… when he thought about it. Because after all, the only person he’d really had a crush on was Zoe Murphy.

Zoe Murphy, who was in concert band and who drew stars on her jeans and who was so wonderful and sweet, even to someone like Evan who couldn’t help but make every single interaction he had with anyone painfully awkward and horrible.

Sure there were guys he found attractive, he thought, and guys at school that maybe made him a little flustered when they were even the tiniest bit kind to him, but he figured that was more his awkwardness than anything. Evan thought maybe all this thinking about liking boys may have also influenced him to act different towards them than he would have had he never thought of or been exposed to it at all.

So Evan is kind of bisexual except not really because he’s only ever liked one girl and it’s probably just a product of his own imagination and overthinking and maybe he has that disease where you convince yourself you’ve got something only you don’t and it’s all in your head and it’s something he’s never going to tell anyone because it’ll probably all go away eventually and then he’ll be stuck explaining how he wasn’t actually bisexual and that would just be leeching off of a community that has already fought so hard to be taken seriously.

And he’s thinking all of these thoughts as he sits and watches shitty horror movies with his best friend, Connor Murphy (the same aforementioned best friend and the same Murphy as Zoe), and he just kind of wants to shout them out of his head and maybe explaining them to someone else will make them a little easier to follow because honestly it feels like he’s going around in circles inside his own head and it’s making him feel a little bit crazy but then he’s just back to saying something that might turn out to be untrue and he can’t-

Connor speaks.

Evan blinks at being suddenly ripped from the elliptical pattern of his thoughts. He’s sure he distantly heard what Connor said, but he can’t remember. “What?”

“Are you okay? You just don’t look like you’re paying too much attention to the movie.” This sentence is punctuated by the screams of a pair of teenagers who had wandered from the group to have sex in the midst of several murders. Noting this, Connor continues, “Not that the movie’s really that interesting, but you just seem, I don’t know, off somewhere else. Wanna say what you’re thinking?”

It’s always weird to say what he’s thinking out loud. Evan knows it’s supposed to help, and it does, but voicing his thought spirals outside of his head always makes him feel dumb and like he can’t quite get the words right. It makes him feel better to say it but it also makes him feel worse, because thinking back he could always have said it better. Even thinking ahead he could say it better, but somewhere along the route from his brain to his mouth the best parts of his thoughts get lost.

Evan stares at Connor, who is waiting mostly-patiently for a reply, and thinks about telling him. What would even happen?

He’s entertained the thought a few different times, with a couple different people, but he usually focuses on the entertaining for so long that the moment passes and he either settles on not bringing it up or forcing out a half-truth that casts off suspicion instead. He takes a deep breath and decides to do the opposite this time.

“Okay, so, like, I’m going to tell you something important.” It feels necessary to preface it with this, so Evan can’t chicken out without Connor realizing whatever excuse he might come up with is a lie. Connor meets his eyes, waiting for Evan to continue. Evan tries to hold his gaze, but it becomes unnerving and suddenly he can’t seem to hold his eyes still. He’s hyper-focused on a spot on the wall, just above Connor’s shoulder, when he spits it, or more accurately lets it tumble, out. “I think… I’m bisexual.”

Connor’s face breaks out in relief like it’s acne. “Dude. That’s okay.”

He stresses the second half of okay in a way that’s comforting and soft and then he’s… hugging Evan, which isn’t super unusual for them (Connor’s always been a clingy person and Evan’s never been adverse to physical affection), but it’s weird because he didn’t think it warranted it or that he needed it. Evan hugs back and realizes maybe it helps, a little, to have your best friend hug you and tell you the thing you’ve been worrying about for near four years, consciously or otherwise, is okay.

Now that Connor’s eyes aren’t on him, Evan finds the words aren’t so scary to let out, but he also finds that they’re forcing their way out in a stumbling sort of almost-panic too, and he feels like he needs to compensate for not having said anything about it for so long.

“Sorry I never said before, it just felt like this-this like liquid thing that probably wasn’t real I mean I’ve only ever had a crush on one person and she’s a girl and I didn’t realize when I was super little andIonlyreallystartedtothinkaboutitinlikeeighthgradeandIfiguredifIjustignoredititwouldprobablygoawayeventuallyand-“

“Ev, you’re rambling.” Evan snaps his mouth shut and can almost feel his teeth vibrate with the suddenness of it. Connor continues, softer, still holding him in a hug, “You don’t have to stop, just breath, Ev.”

Evan takes a deep breath. He can feel tears at the back of his eyes even though everything is _fine_ and there’s _absolutely nothing to cry about_ , and he lets the breath out near shakily and continues, slower and with words that feel more single-file. “I didn’t want to say something and then find out later that it wasn’t true. I didn’t want to feed into the idea that bisexuality is a-a phase or-or something that isn’t real.”

They’re both silent for a moment before Connor slowly pulls away from Evan, moving his hands to rest in his lap and looking at Evan again. Evan can’t bring his eyes to meet his best friend’s for more than a few seconds, and they go back to bouncing around the living room. He vaguely registers the credits music of the movie in the back of his head.

“You can’t spend your whole life… trying to… figure out who you’re gonna be. You just have to… recognize the feelings you’re feeling right now, the person that you are right now, and let that be, ya know, enough. You can’t ask anymore of yourself. You’re only human, Ev. It’s okay to embrace who you are right now, even if it might be different than who you’re gonna be.”

Evan brings his hands to his now damp cheeks, and closes his eyes as he tries to scrub the dampness away with frustrated palms. “I know it’s just- I feel like I should be more sure than I am. If I’m not 100% about it then how… how can it be true?”

Without opening his eyes, Evan hears something rub against the fabric of the couch and assumes Connor shrugged.

“I mean is anyone 100% sure about anything? Who’s to say you aren’t a random human possessed by the ghost of Evan Hansen? Who’s to say I’m not just a figment of your imagination? Who’s to say this entire bullshit experience isn’t some simulation and we’re not all in capsules in some wacko scientists’ laboratory on Mars?”

“Connor-“

“What?” Connor shouts, almost hysteric but in a kind-of-wise way. “Not being completely sure of something doesn’t make it invalid. Do you like girls?”

“Yes.” Evan says almost immediately.

“Do you like guys?”

“I think… so?” Evan says less readily and with a great amount of hesitation.

“It’s a yes or no, Evan.”

“…yes?”

“Still a little unsure, but I’ll take it,” Connor grins, but it turns a little softer with his next words. “Listen, Ev, sexuality is… confusing as all hell, and anyone who says otherwise hasn’t thought worth a damn, but you have to be fair to yourself and realize that you’re not the only one who’s confused about this kind of stuff.”

“Yeah, but I don’t have any ‘wow, that makes sense now that I know’ childhood memories about my bisexuality. I didn’t really have a sudden realization of ‘oh! I’m not straight!’ I just kind of… thought about it, and it made sense… or maybe I just made it make sense... I don’t know.”

“Bullshit, Hansen,” Connor says, pushing Evan’s shoulder to get Evan to look up at him. “You can’t make yourself be attracted to something you’re not.”

“How do you know?” Evan asks, two parts defensive and one part entirely helpless.

“You just can’t!” Connor says, exasperated in a way that makes Evan think maybe he’s being too annoying. “It’s like- It’s like how you can’t just make yourself, like, allergic to something! Sometimes you just don’t know you’re allergic because you’ve never tried the food before!”

Evan… guesses that makes sense.

“Okay,” Evan says quietly, suddenly frantic to do something about the rolling credits in the background. He can feel Connor staring at him as he gets up to switch out the movies.

“Ev… I didn’t mean to yell at you,” Connor says, guilt in his voice.

“No, I’m okay, I’m just-“ Evan takes a breath. “My brain’s never… not gonna be like this and-and think these things, but… you’ve given me something to fire back with at least.”

“… Are you sure you’re not upset?” Connor asks suspiciously, as Evan walks back over to the couch and the movie starts to play on the tv.

“Yeah, I’m just… tired.” It’s a half-truth again, but Evan doesn’t feel like the other half is necessarily a lie, just… too hard to put into words right now. He thinks Connor kind of gets it, and he lets Evan lean into his side and put his head on his shoulder.

About twenty minutes into the movie, and halfway into Evan’s fall into unconsciousness, Connor says, in a voice clearer than a mumble but not quite loud enough to be spoken, “You know I love you, right?”

Evan, eyes closed and halfway into a dream that has incorporated the dialogue of the movie, smiles sleepily and mutters, “I love you too.”

He doesn’t feel quite so bad about voicing the spiral this time.


End file.
